NOT TONY’S XMAS MESSAGE…

coatofarms

THE OFFICE OF THE HONORABLE ANTHONY ABBOTT MP

From: Prime Minister.

To: All Staff.

Subject: Christmas Pantomime.

Note: First Draft – Final Draft to be approved by P.M.O. Chief Of Staff.

Just a quick note of thanks to everyone for their efforts in producing this years Christmas pantomime.

As we all agreed at the beginning of the year, the traditional “Puss-in-Boots” would be axed in favour of a more modern production; “Arseholes-in-Suits” and what a roaring success it was!

A very special mention must go to Joe Hockey for his magnificent act; “For a few Shrekel’s more!”

Who would have thought that Joe had such a wonderful singing voice?

His medley of those old favourites from the Tory Hymn Book; “We’ve been living beyond our means”, “We’ve maxed out our credit card”, “Up, up and away in my beautiful ballooning budget deficit”, and “Climb every debt mountain”, were delivered in that rich castrati tone of his while the standard tear jerkers, “Home loan blues”, and the heart wrenching “Mortgaging our grandchildren’s future”, I must say brought a tear to my eye.

What about Arthur Sinodinos eh? I think you’ll agree that his monologue “A funny thing happened on the way to ICAC” had us all rolling in the aisles.

I had no idea Arthur could be so hilarious, and I wish him all the best for the future, and would like to remind him not to let the door hit him on the arse on his way out

Scottie Morrison was also in great form, and I really liked his Jo Stafford like treatment of “Illegal Boats Are Coming – There’s Jailing’s Tonight”. Great stuff Scottie! That’s the way to get promotion in the government that I lead. lust after my job will you, you prick! Fat chance lard-arse!

Special thanks must also go to Christopher Pyne in his role as the Dame. This role, as you are no doubt aware, is traditionally played by a man dressed as a woman.

Chris however, is a real trouper and told me that he didn’t mind a bit and in fact was quite looking forward to it. It’s a tribute to Chris’s talent that during rehearsals he was so convincing in the part that Allan Jones was waiting for him by the stage door.

Finally, very, very, very, special thanks to my Chief of Staff in her role as Cock-Robbin’. My appreciation of her many talents will never P-E-T-E-R out. So, none of you bastards should forget that!!!! 

She’s the best little advisor a man could have – well, apart from Brother Thingamabob who took me aside in the shower at the seminary and showed me why they call it ‘soap on a rope’… but that’s all in the past now.

So best wishes to all for the Festive Season, and let’s do it again next year.

Tones.

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